Wonder. It's what children experience on a regular basis as they take in the new world around them. They view the world with a curiosity and amazement that becomes lost when they become adults.
Today I tried out a new church. It was in a beautiful building both inside and out. And on the inside it was filled with the elderly. The service was a lot more on the liturgical side than I regularly experience, but the feeling of unified devotion filled me with wonder. Having come from a religious background that values personal expression and individuality over the corporate, sitting in a liturgical service was very refreshing.
Now I am in no way against, clapping, shouting and dancing in church, as these are all fitting expressions of worship, but I must confess that in the spectacle, I forgot what it was to simply reflect on the Father in quiet devotion. There was a sacredness and an order to the way things were carried out, and a certain beauty to it that I haven't experienced in some time.
Today was also the first time in almost 8 years that I prayed the Lord's prayer in a religous service. We also sang old sacred music, and it was beautiful. It was all so beautiful. It was a beauty that drove me to tears. Why I wept, I don't completely understand. Perhaps I had forgotten what beauty was in church, in an effort to make everything practical and intellectual. I'm not against these things, but in the reasoning and criticism, I lost sight of the beauty that is the bride of Christ, the church body.
I remember my days as a young Christian long ago, when everything was so new to me. When I first discovered Christ, it was like seeing the world in a new way. I didn't read my Bible - I devoured it. All the words and teachings of Jesus, the apostles, the prophets came alive to me. But the deeper I got into religious insititutions the more I lost my sense of wonder in my faith, getting caught up in the political, intellectual, and practical. I lost my joy. I lost my hope. And I didn't even notice it disappeared.
While I know that life can be tough and emotions can change, my prayer is that I may not lose sight of the beauty and the mystery that is Christ in his incarnation and resurrection.
Sunday, July 8, 2012
Monday, July 2, 2012
reconnect
People are messy and difficult and beautiful and wonderful.
The fear of the pain involved with the risks of connection makes me shrink back.
The hope of the joy involved in making a connection makes me take those risks.
I've discovered that in the end, I can't be cynical about people forever and I don't want to. I'm not perfect either and I shouldn't expect others to be. I am drawn to relationship. I am drawn to others. Why? Because that's part of what makes me human. That's how I was created.
I am learning to accept that.
It's weird because even when I feel the urge to despair over loneliness, even the faintest connection gives me a glimmer of hope. And the more I connect, the more I realize how human I actually am.
I wonder if God is ever lovesick over humanity. I get the image the He probably is.
I miss Him. I wonder if He misses me too.
The fear of the pain involved with the risks of connection makes me shrink back.
The hope of the joy involved in making a connection makes me take those risks.
I've discovered that in the end, I can't be cynical about people forever and I don't want to. I'm not perfect either and I shouldn't expect others to be. I am drawn to relationship. I am drawn to others. Why? Because that's part of what makes me human. That's how I was created.
I am learning to accept that.
It's weird because even when I feel the urge to despair over loneliness, even the faintest connection gives me a glimmer of hope. And the more I connect, the more I realize how human I actually am.
I wonder if God is ever lovesick over humanity. I get the image the He probably is.
I miss Him. I wonder if He misses me too.
Sunday, June 24, 2012
Happy. Dancing. Went to TOSS. Ran into people that I knew from other contexts. In no particular order:
Three of my favorite dance partners at Riverwalk, one of my favorite people at Alien, the nice lady who served my Arby's almost every day when I worked at Vintage Stock, and a few cool guys. And I met some new people too.
I feel a certain sense of joy when I'm out on the dance floor just having fun. I forget the stresses of my workweek and my life and for a moment while I'm spinning out there with a partner, all that matters is right there. I feel light. I feel less heavy. I feel free. It's nice. I've missed it.
Maybe I should dance more as a way to fight my depression. I'm thinking it might be good if I consciously made dancing a more regular part of my life. It's cheaper than card games, it gets me meeting new kinds of people...
I think I might just do that.
Three of my favorite dance partners at Riverwalk, one of my favorite people at Alien, the nice lady who served my Arby's almost every day when I worked at Vintage Stock, and a few cool guys. And I met some new people too.
I feel a certain sense of joy when I'm out on the dance floor just having fun. I forget the stresses of my workweek and my life and for a moment while I'm spinning out there with a partner, all that matters is right there. I feel light. I feel less heavy. I feel free. It's nice. I've missed it.
Maybe I should dance more as a way to fight my depression. I'm thinking it might be good if I consciously made dancing a more regular part of my life. It's cheaper than card games, it gets me meeting new kinds of people...
I think I might just do that.
Monday, June 18, 2012
how to feel bad properly
Emotionally exhausted. Kinda lonely.
Yesterday, I watched a National Geographic documentary which drew an inverse relationship between the amount of stress you experience in your life and the quality and length of your life. In conclusion, those who are rich and powerful or higher on the social hierarchy are those who live the longest and have the healthiest lives. Not the most comforting thing.
Spiritually, I wonder if having a regular prayer life and a Christ-focused worldview may aid in the quality of everyday life. Perhaps it does, in the sense that it provides a means to cope with external stressors as well as release pressure. If such is the case, perhaps it might be time to make a more conscious effort to practice the spiritual disciplines.
Whenever I consider this area of my life, I always find myself lacking. And I feel tremendous guilt.
This book that I'm reading tells me that self-inflicted guilt and self-deprecating thinking can actually be an ego-defense mechanism, in the sense that it can be used to make a person feel safe inside a percieved self-image, as low as it might be. One could suggest then that those who engage in emotional self-flaggelation are acutally engaging in a form of narcissism, as the immense self-focus on one's own shortcomings leaves little room for what healthy realities may exist outside oneself. And it's isolating as well.
Stress is powerful. Forcing myself to not be stressed stresses me out even more. Feeling bad about feeling bad makes me feel bad. So perhaps instead I should find a different way instead of engaging in this self-defeating circle whose only result is despair and apathy. Learning to accept my feelings is the first step. Learning to acknowledge and accept that God loves me despite my percieved inadequacies regardless of their basis in reality is the next. Hoping in and acting upon the redemptive power of His resurrection is the next step. Eternal life is the the journey and the destination.
Yesterday, I watched a National Geographic documentary which drew an inverse relationship between the amount of stress you experience in your life and the quality and length of your life. In conclusion, those who are rich and powerful or higher on the social hierarchy are those who live the longest and have the healthiest lives. Not the most comforting thing.
Spiritually, I wonder if having a regular prayer life and a Christ-focused worldview may aid in the quality of everyday life. Perhaps it does, in the sense that it provides a means to cope with external stressors as well as release pressure. If such is the case, perhaps it might be time to make a more conscious effort to practice the spiritual disciplines.
Whenever I consider this area of my life, I always find myself lacking. And I feel tremendous guilt.
This book that I'm reading tells me that self-inflicted guilt and self-deprecating thinking can actually be an ego-defense mechanism, in the sense that it can be used to make a person feel safe inside a percieved self-image, as low as it might be. One could suggest then that those who engage in emotional self-flaggelation are acutally engaging in a form of narcissism, as the immense self-focus on one's own shortcomings leaves little room for what healthy realities may exist outside oneself. And it's isolating as well.
Stress is powerful. Forcing myself to not be stressed stresses me out even more. Feeling bad about feeling bad makes me feel bad. So perhaps instead I should find a different way instead of engaging in this self-defeating circle whose only result is despair and apathy. Learning to accept my feelings is the first step. Learning to acknowledge and accept that God loves me despite my percieved inadequacies regardless of their basis in reality is the next. Hoping in and acting upon the redemptive power of His resurrection is the next step. Eternal life is the the journey and the destination.
reconnecting
Life is funny in how it makes circles. The connections with people we make go full circle as well.
Upon suggestion from an old friend, I've decided to make a more conscious effort to start blogging again. It was something that I used to do religiously when I discovered how therapeutic it was to post my thoughts in a forum of my own making.
So what are the things that occupy my life at present? Well not much has changed. Card games, video games, swing dancing, and helping little girls in Thailand. No relationships, no women though.
I'm currently reading Beyond Boundaries: Learning to Trust Again in Relationships by Dr. John Townsend. It's quite an enlightening book and a much needed read for people-hungry individuals such as myself. Following the immense fallout and collapse of my social circle that happened last year, I find myself in a vaccuum of sorts, wanting to reconnect with others, but at the same time, struggling to form bonds with new people out of fear that they may betray my trust or that I may not meet whatever expectations I perceive they may have...
But this book is pretty good. If anything, it's really helped bring me to an awareness of my own pain and my own humanity, and I'm learning what kind of relationships to look for as well as learning to define my own wants and non-negotiables when it comes to choosing my closest associations. Furrthermore, I am also learning a whole lot about my own personal ego-defense mechanisms that keep me from establishing meaningful connections with others.
I'm finding myself wanting to reach out once again, and keeping an open heart and mind for those with whom I can entrust myself. And I at the same time also would like to care for others as well. I would like to be someone who others can feel safe with.
It's a struggle really. Especially because I know my demons better than others do. And should they rear their ugly head, I'd want whoever is around to be trustworthy, committed individuals...
Finding good people is tough...
Upon suggestion from an old friend, I've decided to make a more conscious effort to start blogging again. It was something that I used to do religiously when I discovered how therapeutic it was to post my thoughts in a forum of my own making.
So what are the things that occupy my life at present? Well not much has changed. Card games, video games, swing dancing, and helping little girls in Thailand. No relationships, no women though.
I'm currently reading Beyond Boundaries: Learning to Trust Again in Relationships by Dr. John Townsend. It's quite an enlightening book and a much needed read for people-hungry individuals such as myself. Following the immense fallout and collapse of my social circle that happened last year, I find myself in a vaccuum of sorts, wanting to reconnect with others, but at the same time, struggling to form bonds with new people out of fear that they may betray my trust or that I may not meet whatever expectations I perceive they may have...
But this book is pretty good. If anything, it's really helped bring me to an awareness of my own pain and my own humanity, and I'm learning what kind of relationships to look for as well as learning to define my own wants and non-negotiables when it comes to choosing my closest associations. Furrthermore, I am also learning a whole lot about my own personal ego-defense mechanisms that keep me from establishing meaningful connections with others.
I'm finding myself wanting to reach out once again, and keeping an open heart and mind for those with whom I can entrust myself. And I at the same time also would like to care for others as well. I would like to be someone who others can feel safe with.
It's a struggle really. Especially because I know my demons better than others do. And should they rear their ugly head, I'd want whoever is around to be trustworthy, committed individuals...
Finding good people is tough...
Sunday, April 15, 2012
eyes to heaven feet on the earth
Eyes to heaven. Feet on the earth.
In comes pain and joy and fear.
Hope sees no end though suffering draws near.
Eyes to heaven. Feet on the earth.
What is tomorrow is grasped today
Beginning time where perception ends
Eyes to heaven. Feet on the earth.
Reality lies in truth unseen
The heart grasps what the mind cannot conjure
Eyes to heaven. Feet on the earth.
In comes pain and joy and fear.
Hope sees no end though suffering draws near.
Eyes to heaven. Feet on the earth.
What is tomorrow is grasped today
Beginning time where perception ends
Eyes to heaven. Feet on the earth.
Reality lies in truth unseen
The heart grasps what the mind cannot conjure
Eyes to heaven. Feet on the earth.
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
not quite what i've expected
I sigh and shake my head at you, life.
Well, I'm making money now. It's going into unforseen expenses, meaning that I'm living tighter than I was before even though I am making more. All these "surprise" fees are really frustrating.
My relational situation kinda sucks now. ORU friends are pretty much all gone. And the lifestyle I now lead doesn't really have room for the other friendships I have. They all want to hang out late and eat out all the while complaining about why they don't make enough money at their jobs, why they can't stand their bosses/coworkers, or feel sorry for themselves that they don't have jobs in the first place... I can't stand being around them anymore because they're irresponsible and lazy and have no sense of direction.
Yet, why I have associated myself with them gives me the impression that perhaps I'm not too different, in the sense that I'm not exactly sure where I'm going either. That too was a lifestyle that I've led and it's very easy for me to fall back into it.
But I've realized that complaining about my status and not taking responsibility for my current state of affairs is not productive. I'd like to think that I'm proactive, but I wonder if I can do more.
I need new friends who actually enjoy their lives and talk about things that actually matter. I wonder where I can find those. I want to enjoy my life and not get wrapped up in the mundane. If the main thing on my mind is bills and survival, then maybe I'm not truly living yet.
My Prayer: God, please help me find some better relationships. And help me to be more mindful of my priorities and my time. Help me to be more disciplined. Help me also to not be so hard on myself. Teach me how to reach out to others again. Help me to keep my focus on you. Amen
Well, I'm making money now. It's going into unforseen expenses, meaning that I'm living tighter than I was before even though I am making more. All these "surprise" fees are really frustrating.
My relational situation kinda sucks now. ORU friends are pretty much all gone. And the lifestyle I now lead doesn't really have room for the other friendships I have. They all want to hang out late and eat out all the while complaining about why they don't make enough money at their jobs, why they can't stand their bosses/coworkers, or feel sorry for themselves that they don't have jobs in the first place... I can't stand being around them anymore because they're irresponsible and lazy and have no sense of direction.
Yet, why I have associated myself with them gives me the impression that perhaps I'm not too different, in the sense that I'm not exactly sure where I'm going either. That too was a lifestyle that I've led and it's very easy for me to fall back into it.
But I've realized that complaining about my status and not taking responsibility for my current state of affairs is not productive. I'd like to think that I'm proactive, but I wonder if I can do more.
I need new friends who actually enjoy their lives and talk about things that actually matter. I wonder where I can find those. I want to enjoy my life and not get wrapped up in the mundane. If the main thing on my mind is bills and survival, then maybe I'm not truly living yet.
My Prayer: God, please help me find some better relationships. And help me to be more mindful of my priorities and my time. Help me to be more disciplined. Help me also to not be so hard on myself. Teach me how to reach out to others again. Help me to keep my focus on you. Amen
Sunday, January 15, 2012
spiritual thoughts, ihop coffee induced insomnia
Well, I haven't touched this thing in a while. This blog is the birthchild of my creative urge that may or may not have been influenced by my being romantically involved.
Considering that my xanga has turned into a hotbed of political and religious debate, I feel it is fitting that this place should become the new home of my personal, spiritual thoughts.
It's 5:06 AM and I made a very dumb decision to drink 3 cups of coffee past 1:00AM. That was dumb. Now I'm awake and will probably have to recover for Monday, not to mention that I'm moving.
So where is my spiritual life right now? Well, it's present, yet uninvolved. Not the most engaging. Then again, I haven't put much effort into it. Yet my feelings of emptiness tell me that I must reprioritize my time.
It's been some time since I've ever considered the thought that as a believer, I'm supposed to be "salt and light" to the world, not hiding what I have but letting it shine that others may know and glorify the Father in heaven. Also, considering the magnitude of eternity not to mention what my faith should mean if I am indeed a man of conviction, it shouldn't come as a suprise to me that I have what the church may call a "burden for the lost."
So, now I find myself at a crossroads, where to be that "light" would mean that I would seek out and develop a greater awareness of situations in which my faith, or rather the Spirit of God in me may be manifest among men, believers or not. This may lead me to take greater risk and put myself in more controversial situations.
This scares me.
But if I truly believe in what I believe in, then it is that belief which I must stand for. For if it truly is a part of me, then I will live it. If Christ commanded that I preach the gospel and if I truly believe there is power in what I believe in, I would not help but be compelled to share.
In creeps anxiety. What if I look stupid? What if people judge me as a self-righteous hypocrite? What if people argue with me and make a fool of me?
None of that should matter. Already I am made aware of my brokenness and my need to follow Christ. And if I must take up my cross and lose my life (or my ego/reputation) to follow Him, then my prayer is that of personal surrender.
And more and more, I wonder, because of my imperfections, and because of the fact that I sin against God and break His law on a consistent basis, will my flawed life make Him look bad? But I guess there is no such thing as a "perfect" witness or believer. I just need to remind myself of how "perfect" the first disciples were.
This is my prayer:
Lord, teach me to be humble in heart and in action. Teach me how to love others with true courage and conviction instead of convenience. Teach me how to live sacrificially. Help me to be a light to those around me even when it isn't easy. And above all help me to remember your love and your sacrifice. Amen.
Considering that my xanga has turned into a hotbed of political and religious debate, I feel it is fitting that this place should become the new home of my personal, spiritual thoughts.
It's 5:06 AM and I made a very dumb decision to drink 3 cups of coffee past 1:00AM. That was dumb. Now I'm awake and will probably have to recover for Monday, not to mention that I'm moving.
So where is my spiritual life right now? Well, it's present, yet uninvolved. Not the most engaging. Then again, I haven't put much effort into it. Yet my feelings of emptiness tell me that I must reprioritize my time.
It's been some time since I've ever considered the thought that as a believer, I'm supposed to be "salt and light" to the world, not hiding what I have but letting it shine that others may know and glorify the Father in heaven. Also, considering the magnitude of eternity not to mention what my faith should mean if I am indeed a man of conviction, it shouldn't come as a suprise to me that I have what the church may call a "burden for the lost."
So, now I find myself at a crossroads, where to be that "light" would mean that I would seek out and develop a greater awareness of situations in which my faith, or rather the Spirit of God in me may be manifest among men, believers or not. This may lead me to take greater risk and put myself in more controversial situations.
This scares me.
But if I truly believe in what I believe in, then it is that belief which I must stand for. For if it truly is a part of me, then I will live it. If Christ commanded that I preach the gospel and if I truly believe there is power in what I believe in, I would not help but be compelled to share.
In creeps anxiety. What if I look stupid? What if people judge me as a self-righteous hypocrite? What if people argue with me and make a fool of me?
None of that should matter. Already I am made aware of my brokenness and my need to follow Christ. And if I must take up my cross and lose my life (or my ego/reputation) to follow Him, then my prayer is that of personal surrender.
And more and more, I wonder, because of my imperfections, and because of the fact that I sin against God and break His law on a consistent basis, will my flawed life make Him look bad? But I guess there is no such thing as a "perfect" witness or believer. I just need to remind myself of how "perfect" the first disciples were.
This is my prayer:
Lord, teach me to be humble in heart and in action. Teach me how to love others with true courage and conviction instead of convenience. Teach me how to live sacrificially. Help me to be a light to those around me even when it isn't easy. And above all help me to remember your love and your sacrifice. Amen.
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