reconnecting

Life is funny in how it makes circles. The connections with people we make go full circle as well.

Upon suggestion from an old friend, I've decided to make a more conscious effort to start blogging again. It was something that I used to do religiously when I discovered how therapeutic it was to post my thoughts in a forum of my own making.

So what are the things that occupy my life at present? Well not much has changed. Card games, video games, swing dancing, and helping little girls in Thailand. No relationships, no women though.

I'm currently reading Beyond Boundaries: Learning to Trust Again in Relationships by Dr. John Townsend. It's quite an enlightening book and a much needed read for people-hungry individuals such as myself. Following the immense fallout and collapse of my social circle that happened last year, I find myself in a vaccuum of sorts, wanting to reconnect with others, but at the same time, struggling to form bonds with new people out of fear that they may betray my trust or that I may not meet whatever expectations I perceive they may have...

But this book is pretty good. If anything, it's really helped bring me to an awareness of my own pain and my own humanity, and I'm learning what kind of relationships to look for as well as learning to define my own wants and non-negotiables when it comes to choosing my closest associations. Furrthermore, I am also learning a whole lot about my own personal ego-defense mechanisms that keep me from establishing meaningful connections with others.

I'm finding myself wanting to reach out once again, and keeping an open heart and mind for those with whom I can entrust myself. And I at the same time also would like to care for others as well. I would like to be someone who others can feel safe with.

It's a struggle really. Especially because I know my demons better than others do. And should they rear their ugly head, I'd want whoever is around to be trustworthy, committed individuals...

Finding good people is tough...