The Valley of the Shadow of Death

PERSONAL POST:

(WARNING - long read)

I generally post a lot of happy, upbeat or thoughtful posts on Facebook, as I use it as a way to engage and inspire people and put myself out there. And while the happy moments aren't false by any means, they aren't always the complete story, though any wise person would know that what is seen on social media should not necessarily be taken at face value. Also, I don't necessarily find it wise to give air to every thought or emotion in such an open forum.

But I'll be candid for this moment, as a way to help myself and hopefully help someone else out there.

I was diagnosed with clinical depression around this time last year. It was something that I had been struggling with for longer, but some traumatic events happened at around this time that had a tremendous impact on my life. I won't go into detail about those events here, and I'd ask kindly that those who know about them not mention them on the thread.

As some of you who have been following may have known, I left my job of 8.5 years at the end of last year. I left of my own free will. I loved my job, and those who read my departure post will know how proud and grateful I was to be a part of the organization. For those of you who commented on my post with praise and encouraging words, I thank you.

My condition reached a point where I realized that I needed to step down and repair my life. And due to the sensitive nature of my departure, I did my best to make it a hopeful one. Of course, there was nothing false about my statement in November 2018. Four months later, I'm in a different place now.

I told myself that I wanted to be better. In the past four months, I've sold, given away or disposed of half my possessions. I've deep cleaned my apartment, balanced my budget, and made a conscious and collected effort to eat better and spend better. I've made some very difficult but necessary relational decisions.

And I'm still dealing with the financial, physical and emotional fallout of the choices I made for the past few years.

I say this not to evoke pity or praise but as a fact: crawling out of the pit is hard. Very hard.

I pray to God that I see the other side. This time of my life has been the most trying season thus far, and I've honestly come close to giving up hope. I thank the Lord for the little strength I have and for the grace and the friends that He has sent me to hold me up when I could no longer carry myself. You know who you are.

I'm 32 years old and rebooting my life. I'm working three jobs and helping coordinate an activity room at a local convention. Somewhere in between I'm eating and sleeping. The fatigue and the burnout is palpable. I believe it won't be forever that things will be like this, but in short, it sucks right now.

And the depression doesn't make it easier. It's a demon that sucks away energy and makes it difficult to see the sun. It's something that I make a conscious effort to fight every day.

With what little scraps of faith I have and the fragments that people have shared with me, something inside of me believes that something good will still come after this. And while it's easy to praise God for prosperity, favor and riches when times are good, in this season, I'm just happy I made it through another day.

And you know what? I've come to the conclusion that I'm okay with that.

--

Psalm 23

A psalm of David.

¹ The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.
²     He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
³     he refreshes my soul.
He guides me along the right paths
    for his name’s sake.
⁴ Even though I walk
    through the darkest valley,^[a]
I will fear no evil,
    for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
    they comfort me.

⁵ You prepare a table before me
    in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
    my cup overflows.
⁶ Surely your goodness and love will follow me
    all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord
    forever.

Casting Aside the Weights

Quiet Monday night at home.

Really, its pretty amazing how life changes. Friends have come and gone. Relationships have been forged and broken. People get new jobs, make career changes, have children. People experience great boons and great calamities in their lives.

Tonight I spent some time cleaning my filing box. Inside I found so many irrelevant documents, once thought important, now just scraps of paper serving as reminders of days past and nothing more. The fact that I've held onto some of them for so long and even bothered to carry them across the country may have even taught me a lesson about myself.

Weights of the past can be tough to let go. Sometimes, out of fear, ignorance, or negligence we can hold onto them and they get stored away into the file boxes of our lives.

Reflecting on this I wonder if there's anything in my life that I've neglected from the past that is just a weight in the present. As a Christian believer, my mind is brought to this scripture:

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us,
fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.…" (Hebrews 12:1-2 NIV)

Still, I wonder exactly what race I am meant to run and what weights may be associated with it. As a twenty-something, that picture is still cloudy for me. But today it is my prayer and my choice to be hopeful, in spite of my struggles and frustrations. And in Him I can have confidence.

Grace, Truth and Love

I watched an interesting video by Dr. John Townsend on love and truth. Here it is. Pardon the flaming heart with a halo and the cheesy music.

While Dr. Townsend talks about sexual brokenness, I think that brokenness in general applies here.

It's that feeling that who you are isn't worthy of love or acceptance from others due to some aspect of your personality or issue from your past. What really got me about this video was how he talked about how love and truth go hand in hand, but for the broken person, that person either loves without truth and has people but is inauthentic, or is authentic but alone because of their issues that invalidate them from relationship. Either way, they are alone.

He said that the answer to this is for the broken person to open up in an environment where they will be accepted and loved. That the safe place is where the healing process can happen for the person who is afraid of being alone. Because when you are who you are, when you put yourself out there, you give people the chance to reject you. For me, that thought is terrifying.

This week I am learning about what it means to be real and to do so when it is safe. Rather, I've had to take personal inventory of the relationships in my life and evaluate how much of my "self" I can entrust to them. It's been quite enlightening. When I listed all the people who I can actually be real with, I couldn't even fill one hand. It made me treasure those relationships.

From another angle, as a Christian, I love how he mentions that people are the stewards of God's grace. This means that we as people are agents of His mercy and compassion. That we are to provide that shoulder to cry on, that listening ear to the world-weary. That sometimes, the healing process isn't telling people what to do, but simply embracing them as they are.

I know we are frequently portrayed as hateful and judgmental by the media, but that really isn't who we are. Yes, the God we serve is just, and good, and perfect. But He is also not so distant and proud that he cannot or will not handle the weight of who we are, faults and personal brokenness and all. He cries with us. He suffers with us. And He feels our pain and understands it all.

There's Bible verse that says, "Confess your sins to one another that you may be healed." Yet for many Christians church can be one of the loneliest places, where people cannot be real about who they are for fear of condemnation. Performance has frequently replaced authenticity as we have great music and great preaching, yet we may know nothing nor have any connection with people sitting in the seats around us. As Christians, as the church, as the Body of Christ, we are to be a healing community and a safe harbor for those battered by the seas of life. And we are to be known for our love for one another.

Family Discussion Questions for Wednesday

Today has me thinking about family.

Not necessarily the people who are biologically related to me, but the rather the individuals whom I have chosen to call my own and whom I know would do the same for me, and all that such a relationship comes with..

Regardless of how much we annoy and frustrate each other, it's that simple thought that keeps me patient. And then when I think of how kind they are to me when I am at my worst, I am grateful.

Now to answer some church small group discussion questions from this Sunday's sermon.

Ice Breaker: What was your favorite TV show growing up?

Good Eats. I really enjoyed how Alton Brown would apply and explain scientific principles in a creative manner to make some delicious food. Plus it was one of the shows that my mother and I enjoyed watching together.

1. "It takes wisdom to have a good family, and it takes understanding to make it strong" (Proverbs 24:3). Having a strong, secure foundation is the first step to having a great family. What does this mean in your life?

God first. While it is always good to have a good network of relationships and a stable source of income, etc. all these things can still be lost or be damaged due to any number of variables (wars, famine, disaster, etc). With a desire to honor God as the primary focus in the familial relationship, I believe that a family will be able to resolve conflict, find direction, and higher purpose in spite of the fallen world we live in.

2. All families face changes, failures and rejections. Is there anything your family has gone through that you care to share with the group? How did you get through it?

There was a point in my life where when I left home that some roles and interactions had to be redefined. Going through this process was a challenge for all the parties involved, but we got there eventually. Growing up is tough for both kids and parents.

3. Colossians 3:13 says, "Make allowance for each other's faults, and forgive anyone who offends you." Do you have troubles forgiving others, especially family members?

Depends on who and for what.

4. What kinds of things does your family do to spend meaningful time together?

Well, we did watch tv and play video games back in the day. Now I just have earth-shattering philosophical phone conversations with my mom every once in a blue moon. And then there are those trips during Christmastime.

Thoughts on Intimacy

Intimacy. No, I'm not talking about sex, though that's a common association of the word. I'm talking more like the close personal connection between people. Like when you can speak freely and relax around someone because you know you can entrust yourself to them, and they to you. It's the feeling that you really aren't alone in the world when you're with someone. Someone to laugh with, speak to, listen to you, share life with... Intimacy is nice...

From a spiritual perspective, I believe that every person longs to be known, to have that connection with others, but all the stresses, hurts, pressures, insecurities, and mechanisms we build up to protect ourselves also in turn keep us from connecting with others. And in a way some of these things are good, considering that it would be unwise to entrust oneself to someone who cannot handle it.

I find it amusing that God would put us on this earth and design us for relationship with Him and each other, knowing full well that our imperfections can and will eventually cause friction between us. I recall the scriptures that ask us to be patient to one another and to bear with one another in love. Now that's a tall order, especially when I think about who and what I have to deal with on a regular basis: officiating events at comic book shops with teenagers, children and manchildren fighting for my undivided attention, trying to be nice to customers on the phone, dealing with family members, people, among many other things...

Relationships have a price. Someone I look up to says this, and I paraphrase, "Everyone comes with their own [nonsense]. You just have to decide what [nonsense] you're willing to deal with." Of course he used another more colorful word than "nonsense."

When I think of this, I wonder how much weight I carry and I am filled with gratitude for the people in my life who have carried me, even in moments when I have been heavier than others. Such was the case yesterday when after the weight of my day, it was nice to just pick up the phone and talk to close friends. When I was done, I felt rejuvenated and restored.

I also think of the moments when I was able to lend a helping hand to a friend going through a hard time, or when I was able to be the listening ear or the positive company. Some days I also don't feel like listening to people's problems, but I do it anyway because I care about them. But some days, I can't handle people and cannot be the friend that they need. And some days, I'd rather not talk to anyone.

Of course, as we have human limitations, I also recognize that there are some issues in life that no amount of human contact can handle. Also, some days, I have found that there really is no one to carry my weight when I am weak. But in those moments, I am reminded of the goodness of the God that I believe in.

For He says that we can cast our burdens upon Him because He cares for us. That even when no one wants to listen to my [nonsense], I can still approach God with confidence and throw myself at Him like a child jumps into his father's arms, knowing full well that he will catch me.

He is able to carry the full weight of who we are: every worry that tries to drag us down, every sin and every regret... He is our friend who sticks closer than a brother. That the God of the universe would call us, His creations, friends is a fascinating concept that I would love to meditate on more.

Summary of thoughts:
1. We are made for intimacy with God and others.
2. We are to bear with one another in love.
3. We can trust God to care for us.

Welcome Back

In my freshman year of college, I discovered a wonderful thing called a blog. It was a medium through which I was able to write my thoughts and musings down and share them with others.

I delighted in publishing my thoughts, struggles and lessons with hopes that someone might learn from my mistakes, achievements, etc. Unfortunately, I made the mistake of depending on it as a true source of connection to the world. It was fun and a great way to practice my writing, until the topics started to get a bit out of hand, got bitten by the internet and turned into a hotbed of political and religious debate rather than a way to share.

However, I do remember that writing was actually really good for me at some point and so I am starting a new one here. It is my hope that what I write on this blog will be a blessing to others and that the things I share may help people on their journey.

With that said, welcome to back The Lesson of Life as told by 53v.

Rediscovering Wonder

Wonder. It's what children experience on a regular basis as they take in the new world around them. They view the world with a curiosity and amazement that becomes lost when they become adults.

Today I tried out a new church. It was in a beautiful building both inside and out. And on the inside it was filled with the elderly. The service was a lot more on the liturgical side than I regularly experience, but the feeling of unified devotion filled me with wonder. Having come from a religious background that values personal expression and individuality over the corporate, sitting in a liturgical service was very refreshing.

Now I am in no way against, clapping, shouting and dancing in church, as these are all fitting expressions of worship, but I must confess that in the spectacle, I forgot what it was to simply reflect on the Father in quiet devotion. There was a sacredness and an order to the way things were carried out, and a certain beauty to it that I haven't experienced in some time.

Today was also the first time in almost 8 years that I prayed the Lord's prayer in a religous service. We also sang old sacred music, and it was beautiful. It was all so beautiful. It was a beauty that drove me to tears. Why I wept, I don't completely understand. Perhaps I had forgotten what beauty was in church, in an effort to make everything practical and intellectual. I'm not against these things, but in the reasoning and criticism, I lost sight of the beauty that is the bride of Christ, the church body.

I remember my days as a young Christian long ago, when everything was so new to me. When I first discovered Christ, it was like seeing the world in a new way. I didn't read my Bible - I devoured it. All the words and teachings of Jesus, the apostles, the prophets came alive to me. But the deeper I got into religious insititutions the more I lost my sense of wonder in my faith, getting caught up in the political, intellectual, and practical. I lost my joy. I lost my hope. And I didn't even notice it disappeared.

While I know that life can be tough and emotions can change, my prayer is that I may not lose sight of the beauty and the mystery that is Christ in his incarnation and resurrection.