Happy. Dancing. Went to TOSS. Ran into people that I knew from other contexts. In no particular order:
Three of my favorite dance partners at Riverwalk, one of my favorite people at Alien, the nice lady who served my Arby's almost every day when I worked at Vintage Stock, and a few cool guys. And I met some new people too.
I feel a certain sense of joy when I'm out on the dance floor just having fun. I forget the stresses of my workweek and my life and for a moment while I'm spinning out there with a partner, all that matters is right there. I feel light. I feel less heavy. I feel free. It's nice. I've missed it.
Maybe I should dance more as a way to fight my depression. I'm thinking it might be good if I consciously made dancing a more regular part of my life. It's cheaper than card games, it gets me meeting new kinds of people...
I think I might just do that.
Sunday, June 24, 2012
Monday, June 18, 2012
how to feel bad properly
Emotionally exhausted. Kinda lonely.
Yesterday, I watched a National Geographic documentary which drew an inverse relationship between the amount of stress you experience in your life and the quality and length of your life. In conclusion, those who are rich and powerful or higher on the social hierarchy are those who live the longest and have the healthiest lives. Not the most comforting thing.
Spiritually, I wonder if having a regular prayer life and a Christ-focused worldview may aid in the quality of everyday life. Perhaps it does, in the sense that it provides a means to cope with external stressors as well as release pressure. If such is the case, perhaps it might be time to make a more conscious effort to practice the spiritual disciplines.
Whenever I consider this area of my life, I always find myself lacking. And I feel tremendous guilt.
This book that I'm reading tells me that self-inflicted guilt and self-deprecating thinking can actually be an ego-defense mechanism, in the sense that it can be used to make a person feel safe inside a percieved self-image, as low as it might be. One could suggest then that those who engage in emotional self-flaggelation are acutally engaging in a form of narcissism, as the immense self-focus on one's own shortcomings leaves little room for what healthy realities may exist outside oneself. And it's isolating as well.
Stress is powerful. Forcing myself to not be stressed stresses me out even more. Feeling bad about feeling bad makes me feel bad. So perhaps instead I should find a different way instead of engaging in this self-defeating circle whose only result is despair and apathy. Learning to accept my feelings is the first step. Learning to acknowledge and accept that God loves me despite my percieved inadequacies regardless of their basis in reality is the next. Hoping in and acting upon the redemptive power of His resurrection is the next step. Eternal life is the the journey and the destination.
Yesterday, I watched a National Geographic documentary which drew an inverse relationship between the amount of stress you experience in your life and the quality and length of your life. In conclusion, those who are rich and powerful or higher on the social hierarchy are those who live the longest and have the healthiest lives. Not the most comforting thing.
Spiritually, I wonder if having a regular prayer life and a Christ-focused worldview may aid in the quality of everyday life. Perhaps it does, in the sense that it provides a means to cope with external stressors as well as release pressure. If such is the case, perhaps it might be time to make a more conscious effort to practice the spiritual disciplines.
Whenever I consider this area of my life, I always find myself lacking. And I feel tremendous guilt.
This book that I'm reading tells me that self-inflicted guilt and self-deprecating thinking can actually be an ego-defense mechanism, in the sense that it can be used to make a person feel safe inside a percieved self-image, as low as it might be. One could suggest then that those who engage in emotional self-flaggelation are acutally engaging in a form of narcissism, as the immense self-focus on one's own shortcomings leaves little room for what healthy realities may exist outside oneself. And it's isolating as well.
Stress is powerful. Forcing myself to not be stressed stresses me out even more. Feeling bad about feeling bad makes me feel bad. So perhaps instead I should find a different way instead of engaging in this self-defeating circle whose only result is despair and apathy. Learning to accept my feelings is the first step. Learning to acknowledge and accept that God loves me despite my percieved inadequacies regardless of their basis in reality is the next. Hoping in and acting upon the redemptive power of His resurrection is the next step. Eternal life is the the journey and the destination.
reconnecting
Life is funny in how it makes circles. The connections with people we make go full circle as well.
Upon suggestion from an old friend, I've decided to make a more conscious effort to start blogging again. It was something that I used to do religiously when I discovered how therapeutic it was to post my thoughts in a forum of my own making.
So what are the things that occupy my life at present? Well not much has changed. Card games, video games, swing dancing, and helping little girls in Thailand. No relationships, no women though.
I'm currently reading Beyond Boundaries: Learning to Trust Again in Relationships by Dr. John Townsend. It's quite an enlightening book and a much needed read for people-hungry individuals such as myself. Following the immense fallout and collapse of my social circle that happened last year, I find myself in a vaccuum of sorts, wanting to reconnect with others, but at the same time, struggling to form bonds with new people out of fear that they may betray my trust or that I may not meet whatever expectations I perceive they may have...
But this book is pretty good. If anything, it's really helped bring me to an awareness of my own pain and my own humanity, and I'm learning what kind of relationships to look for as well as learning to define my own wants and non-negotiables when it comes to choosing my closest associations. Furrthermore, I am also learning a whole lot about my own personal ego-defense mechanisms that keep me from establishing meaningful connections with others.
I'm finding myself wanting to reach out once again, and keeping an open heart and mind for those with whom I can entrust myself. And I at the same time also would like to care for others as well. I would like to be someone who others can feel safe with.
It's a struggle really. Especially because I know my demons better than others do. And should they rear their ugly head, I'd want whoever is around to be trustworthy, committed individuals...
Finding good people is tough...
Upon suggestion from an old friend, I've decided to make a more conscious effort to start blogging again. It was something that I used to do religiously when I discovered how therapeutic it was to post my thoughts in a forum of my own making.
So what are the things that occupy my life at present? Well not much has changed. Card games, video games, swing dancing, and helping little girls in Thailand. No relationships, no women though.
I'm currently reading Beyond Boundaries: Learning to Trust Again in Relationships by Dr. John Townsend. It's quite an enlightening book and a much needed read for people-hungry individuals such as myself. Following the immense fallout and collapse of my social circle that happened last year, I find myself in a vaccuum of sorts, wanting to reconnect with others, but at the same time, struggling to form bonds with new people out of fear that they may betray my trust or that I may not meet whatever expectations I perceive they may have...
But this book is pretty good. If anything, it's really helped bring me to an awareness of my own pain and my own humanity, and I'm learning what kind of relationships to look for as well as learning to define my own wants and non-negotiables when it comes to choosing my closest associations. Furrthermore, I am also learning a whole lot about my own personal ego-defense mechanisms that keep me from establishing meaningful connections with others.
I'm finding myself wanting to reach out once again, and keeping an open heart and mind for those with whom I can entrust myself. And I at the same time also would like to care for others as well. I would like to be someone who others can feel safe with.
It's a struggle really. Especially because I know my demons better than others do. And should they rear their ugly head, I'd want whoever is around to be trustworthy, committed individuals...
Finding good people is tough...
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