The Valley of the Shadow of Death

PERSONAL POST:

(WARNING - long read)

I generally post a lot of happy, upbeat or thoughtful posts on Facebook, as I use it as a way to engage and inspire people and put myself out there. And while the happy moments aren't false by any means, they aren't always the complete story, though any wise person would know that what is seen on social media should not necessarily be taken at face value. Also, I don't necessarily find it wise to give air to every thought or emotion in such an open forum.

But I'll be candid for this moment, as a way to help myself and hopefully help someone else out there.

I was diagnosed with clinical depression around this time last year. It was something that I had been struggling with for longer, but some traumatic events happened at around this time that had a tremendous impact on my life. I won't go into detail about those events here, and I'd ask kindly that those who know about them not mention them on the thread.

As some of you who have been following may have known, I left my job of 8.5 years at the end of last year. I left of my own free will. I loved my job, and those who read my departure post will know how proud and grateful I was to be a part of the organization. For those of you who commented on my post with praise and encouraging words, I thank you.

My condition reached a point where I realized that I needed to step down and repair my life. And due to the sensitive nature of my departure, I did my best to make it a hopeful one. Of course, there was nothing false about my statement in November 2018. Four months later, I'm in a different place now.

I told myself that I wanted to be better. In the past four months, I've sold, given away or disposed of half my possessions. I've deep cleaned my apartment, balanced my budget, and made a conscious and collected effort to eat better and spend better. I've made some very difficult but necessary relational decisions.

And I'm still dealing with the financial, physical and emotional fallout of the choices I made for the past few years.

I say this not to evoke pity or praise but as a fact: crawling out of the pit is hard. Very hard.

I pray to God that I see the other side. This time of my life has been the most trying season thus far, and I've honestly come close to giving up hope. I thank the Lord for the little strength I have and for the grace and the friends that He has sent me to hold me up when I could no longer carry myself. You know who you are.

I'm 32 years old and rebooting my life. I'm working three jobs and helping coordinate an activity room at a local convention. Somewhere in between I'm eating and sleeping. The fatigue and the burnout is palpable. I believe it won't be forever that things will be like this, but in short, it sucks right now.

And the depression doesn't make it easier. It's a demon that sucks away energy and makes it difficult to see the sun. It's something that I make a conscious effort to fight every day.

With what little scraps of faith I have and the fragments that people have shared with me, something inside of me believes that something good will still come after this. And while it's easy to praise God for prosperity, favor and riches when times are good, in this season, I'm just happy I made it through another day.

And you know what? I've come to the conclusion that I'm okay with that.

--

Psalm 23

A psalm of David.

¹ The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.
²     He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
³     he refreshes my soul.
He guides me along the right paths
    for his name’s sake.
⁴ Even though I walk
    through the darkest valley,^[a]
I will fear no evil,
    for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
    they comfort me.

⁵ You prepare a table before me
    in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
    my cup overflows.
⁶ Surely your goodness and love will follow me
    all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord
    forever.