Well, I haven't touched this thing in a while. This blog is the birthchild of my creative urge that may or may not have been influenced by my being romantically involved.
Considering that my xanga has turned into a hotbed of political and religious debate, I feel it is fitting that this place should become the new home of my personal, spiritual thoughts.
It's 5:06 AM and I made a very dumb decision to drink 3 cups of coffee past 1:00AM. That was dumb. Now I'm awake and will probably have to recover for Monday, not to mention that I'm moving.
So where is my spiritual life right now? Well, it's present, yet uninvolved. Not the most engaging. Then again, I haven't put much effort into it. Yet my feelings of emptiness tell me that I must reprioritize my time.
It's been some time since I've ever considered the thought that as a believer, I'm supposed to be "salt and light" to the world, not hiding what I have but letting it shine that others may know and glorify the Father in heaven. Also, considering the magnitude of eternity not to mention what my faith should mean if I am indeed a man of conviction, it shouldn't come as a suprise to me that I have what the church may call a "burden for the lost."
So, now I find myself at a crossroads, where to be that "light" would mean that I would seek out and develop a greater awareness of situations in which my faith, or rather the Spirit of God in me may be manifest among men, believers or not. This may lead me to take greater risk and put myself in more controversial situations.
This scares me.
But if I truly believe in what I believe in, then it is that belief which I must stand for. For if it truly is a part of me, then I will live it. If Christ commanded that I preach the gospel and if I truly believe there is power in what I believe in, I would not help but be compelled to share.
In creeps anxiety. What if I look stupid? What if people judge me as a self-righteous hypocrite? What if people argue with me and make a fool of me?
None of that should matter. Already I am made aware of my brokenness and my need to follow Christ. And if I must take up my cross and lose my life (or my ego/reputation) to follow Him, then my prayer is that of personal surrender.
And more and more, I wonder, because of my imperfections, and because of the fact that I sin against God and break His law on a consistent basis, will my flawed life make Him look bad? But I guess there is no such thing as a "perfect" witness or believer. I just need to remind myself of how "perfect" the first disciples were.
This is my prayer:
Lord, teach me to be humble in heart and in action. Teach me how to love others with true courage and conviction instead of convenience. Teach me how to live sacrificially. Help me to be a light to those around me even when it isn't easy. And above all help me to remember your love and your sacrifice. Amen.
